Embarassing moment #3 - Home plumbing

In an ongoing effort to upgrade my downstairs bathroom, I turned my attention to the shower which is, hands down, the biggest eyesore of the house. It isn't newly ugly either. The previous owner used this shower for her kitty litter box and it was barely fit for that. Well, I have big plans. I plan on putting up new laminate on the sides for that nice new shiny feeling and upgrading the faucet handles because, well, they suck. That would make a huge difference in the bathroom and bring up the house value by minimally $50,000 (at least in my eyes).

So, firstly, I go to remove the handles. I find the little screw that holds them on and try to pull them off. Trouble is, years of calcification (and who knows what) has built up and they don't come off despite being screwless... So I call my plumber friend for advice. He tells me to get this penetrating spray and give it a pull. So, I do just that and PRESTO.... they come off. Bolstered by this success, I decide to remove the decorative face plates that are over top of the stems..... I dig at it... I pull at it.... I spray more penetrating spray on it..... These face plates won't budge. Finally, I get the idea that they might be screwed in.

I get my wrench and apply some torque. WOO HOO! That is the answer. It begins to unscrew. ...... twist ........ twist ........ twist...... My forming vision of the conquering hero is rudely interrupted with a minor explosion....... BAAAM! What I had THOUGHT was a decorative face plate was in fact a face plate/stem combination.... And, in case you don't know, the stem is the only thing between you and a high pressure and unstoppable hot water geyser. The advice I can give you now is before you start ANY plumbing project... heck, even if you aren't starting a plumbing project.... JUST FOR YOUR OWN EDIFICATION..... know where your house water shut of is. Please do so before you do what I did which is, to put it succinctly, freak my shit.

The first thing I tried to do after being momentarily frozen by the absurd scene was to attempt to jam the stem back in. The only reason I didn't give myself severe burns in the attempt is that it really doesn't take long to empty your hot water heater when you essentially open the high pressure floodgates. MOST of the water was contained within the shower.... that was, at least, until I tried my fruitless jamming efforts. It essentially had the effect of putting your thumb on the end of the garden hose. You can't stop it... you can only make it spray harder and farther. So now I've succeeded in getting myself and the bathroom soaked and wasted enough time that the water is starting to build up in the shower because no drain made could keep up with the home version of a spewing hydrant.

Enter panic mode. I fly out of the bathroom in search of the valve that shuts off my house water. I start at the furnace and move a few knobs that look promising. The continuous drone of water spraying that could still be heard clearly from the bathroom told me that I was on the wrong track. I sprint to our 'Bar room' (which over the years has become our storage room). I crushed boxes of old clothes, destroyed a few phased out toys and, I think, developed several bruises on my shins plowing my way to the back of the bar, based on the vague memory that there are knobs back there that might be promising. I find some knobs and I twist ..... Nothing.....

My pride being drowned, much less swallowed, I call my plumber (nicest guy in the world). He was at my house once, like 5 years ago. I tell him I messed with magic I didn't understand and a possessed stemless valve is threatening to flood my house and he says, "Relax, I think the house shut off was behind that bar of yours.".... So I go back and check the one cabinet under the bar I didn't check before and there it is in all of its glory. I give it a twist and hear the beautiful silence that was, at least in my world, the end of Armageddon.

Tragedy averted, I replace the stem, turn the water back on, burp the house and all is well.... for now. But know this..... A little bit of knowledge is dangerous for me.... Knowing what I know now...... I will not let this shower have the last word..... so stay tuned.

And I owe my plumber big time.