My life is filled with embarrassing moments and I inexplicably find myself voluntarily sharing them. Perhaps it is a noble attempt to warn those who are teetering on the brink of being an idiot and haven’t yet decided to take the plunge but, in truth, I think it is just an attempt to let you know that as bad as your day is, it could be worse.
In high school I was part of the chorale (which is a fancy way of saying that I was in chorus) and we were given the opportunity to sing in the
Mind you, I’m no ladies man, but I had one thing going for me. This was mid-wrestling season. I had rock hard abs and I wasn’t afraid to use them. If I could have found a way to show them off and impress just one of our traveling nymphs, I’d be set. But, unfortunately, real life isn’t filled with those soap opera moments of ‘Excuse me, do you mind if I change out of this while we continue our conversation?’
Much to my surprise and delight, however, a situation had developed one cold night in a
ANYWAY, somebody had asked me if they could please punch me in the stomach. As oddly polite and sadistic as that sounds, it made sense to me. You see, on rare occasion, I had allowed people to do this before because, excuse the lack of modesty, in the peak of wrestling season they were more likely to get hurt than me. Interestingly, that little voice in my head was delighted. I could impress Tammy and I wouldn’t even have to speak. Plan formed.
So I let (blurry memory from my past) punch me in the stomach. It makes an impressive THUNK and I chance a glance at Tammy. To my great surprise, she seems intrigued. I tell blurry memory to do it again. And he does. Tammy comes over. Fighting through the aneurysm I manage to say, “Hey Tammy.” Little voice was quite impressed with my almost causal greeting.
‘Hey’ she says.
‘You want to give it a try?’ Little voice ponders and thinks that this is a good move. Minimal talking while showing her first hand what a washboard feels like.
A little hesitant at first but curious, she says, “OK”
Keep in mind that I’m not the least bit concerned for myself here. First of all, blurry memory hit me twice as hard as she could have even if she went to the same pharmacy as Barry Bonds . She was five foot three tops and I would be surprised if her weight was measured in 3 digits. That said, she made a good show of it. She put down her water glass, rolled up her sleeves and assumed a passable boxers bounce before saying, “Ready?”
I had never been so ready for anything in my life. My abs were contracted so hard I was afraid she was going to break every bone in her little hand, but I didn’t care. This was my moment to shine. This was my moment to prove to her that I had the stuff to at least make her consider me. Unfortunately, as her fist came to a stop on my abs, it was also my moment to pass some gas.
The little voice laughed himself to death.
If I were cool, I could have said, “I meant to say pull my finger.” And played it off like a small joke.
If I were quicker, I could have said, “Tammy! So not cool.”
But, much to my chagrin, I’m neither cool nor quick. I stood there like a deer that had farted in the headlights. Not sure if that damages the car in any way, but if the car vent isn’t on recycle, the occupants are in for a treat.
Tammy was almost as embarrassed as me. She slinked away while blurry memories all around me laughed till they were sore. In retrospect, I have to concede the humor, but at the time though, my teenage self would have given away his new commodore 128 for a chance to turn back time for 10 seconds.
I’d like to say that this was an isolated incident and I never embarrassed myself again. I’d also like to say that I’m the supreme ruler of the universe. Sadly for me, and lucky for the universe, neither of these are true. Until next time…..
Claude
